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Wedding Series part 2 – Seserahan

19th March 2016 - 6 min read

Berasal dari Jawa berarti mengikuti tata cara dan aturan pernikahan yang sudah ditentukan nenek moyang. Salah satunya adalah pemberian seserahan atau dalam bahasa jawa disebut peningset atau angsul-angsul. Sebenarnya nggak hanya adat Jawa, tapi adat-adat lain di Indonesia dan bahkan negara-negara lain di dunia. Yang membedakan adalah isi seserahan, jumlah, dan cara memberikannya. Isi seserahan memang bisa berbeda-beda, untuk setiap daerah di Indonesia sekalipun karena biasanya ada pakem-pakem yang harus diikuti. Tetapi saya dan sepertinya banyak juga calon pengantin wanita lain yang memilih barang sesuai dengan kebutuhan sehari-hari. Rasanya nggak pengen cuma sebagai simbol, tapi juga yang berguna dan terpakai.

Dalam adat Jawa seserahan memiliki arti filosofis yang berarti adalah pria sebagai suami secara lahiriah mampu menafkahi istrinya. Dan simbolisasi nafkah ini diwujudkan dalam bentuk seserahan atau hantaran saat prosesi lamaran. Katanya si adat ini untuk meneguhkan niat pria untuk membahagiakan istrinya dan memenuhi nafkah saat berumah tangga. Jujur aja, sebenarnya pernikahan sarat akan budaya ini saya ikuti, tapi bukan berarti saya sepenuhnya setuju dengan filosofis-filosofis yang terkandung. Buat saya, nafkah bukan cuma tanggung jawab laki-laki, dan bukan cuma tugas pria untuk membahagiakan istri, tapi juga sebaliknya. Saya salah satu orang yang mendukung Equality Marriage. Jadi ini saya tunjukkan dalam pemberian seserahan, nilai barang-barang yang saya beri ke Damar juga harus paling nggak mengimbangi, sama, bahkan bisa jadi lebih. Biasanya di adat jawa, jumlah seserahan harus ganjil dan nilai yang diberikan untuk lelaki harus lebih sedikit. Tapi kayanya jaman sekarang banyak perempuan yang menganut faham yang sama seperti saya, equal, ganjil atau genap  nggak masalah. Buat saya juga, seserahan itu nggak beda dengan saya dan Damar membeli kebutuhan kami setelah menikah nanti. Bedanya, barang-barang itu dikemas cantik, rapi dan ditunjukkan ke muka umum.

Biasanya pihak keluarga pria akan memberikan seserahan pada malam hari menjelang akad nikah atau lebih dikenal pada waktu malam midodareni. Tapi karena pernikahanku nanti Jawa abal-abal (nggak mengikuti seluruh prosesi), seserahan akan diberikan sebelum akad nikah dimulai. Lebih hemat hahah

Sekarang saya lagi proses mencoret checklist untuk Seserahan. Kami sepakat untuk selalu berdiskusi dan memilih bersama. Most of the times, kami beli barang dari online shop, biasanya saya bayarin duluan ataupun sebaliknya. Nah, supaya hasilnya tetap seimbang, ada satu tips yang buat kami sangat membantu dan jadi merasa adil dalam membagi. Karena mengeluarkan uang, bukan cuma tugas lelaki, terutama kalau perempuannya kerja. Ada satu aplikasi yang namanya splitwise, jadi aplikasi ini bisa mencatat pengeluaran kita dan mencatat ‘hutang’ kita ke orang yang bersangkutan. Dalam hal ini, calon suami saya hahah jadi hutang itu tidak harus dibayar saat itu juga dengan tunai, tapi juga bisa dibayar next time waktu berbelanja.

Anyway, checklist umumnya seserahan adalah sebagai berikut. Yang dicoret alhamdulillah sudah terbeli…

  1. Perlengkapan beribadah Ini saya pilih sendiri, cari di Instagram dan nemu yang sesuai selera, nama tokonya Ayurora. Cantik-cantik deh (dari fotonya). Pelayanannya juga baik, mbaknya ramah. Kalau kaya gini, kuncinya cuma satu sih. Kepercayaan heheh Perlengkapan beribadah terdiri dari mukena, sajadah, alqur’an dan tasbih. Ini sekaligus akan menjadi mahar pernikahan kami. Mama dulu bilang, waktu mama menikah dengan Bapak dulu, maharnya adalah pembacaan ayat kursi sebanyak 4 atau 5 kali. Buat saya pun, mahar nggak perlu mahal-mahal, yang penting makna yang terkandung. Untuk Damar dan saya, makna peralatan beribadah lebih besar dari materi/uang.
  2. Cincin nikah  Akhirnya setelah pencarian, nemu juga cincin yang sesuai sama engagement ring-saya. Sebenarnya saya udah nemu cukup lama, tapi saya nunggu Damar karena dia took his time banget buat nyari cincin untuk dia. Mungkin karena saya berkali-kali bilang, cincin itu bakal dipake seumur hidup dan untuk cowo biasanya akan selalu dipakai kapanpun dan dimanapun. Jadi bentuk dan logamnya harus yang everlasting. Saya nunggu dia, karena ada kemungkinan dia pengen ambil yang 1 set perempuan dan laki, tapi pada akhirnya nggak. Kita pesen cincin masing-masing. Cincin kami lumayan similar, sangat clean dan simple. Logam cincin saya emas putih dan dia titanium (karena kita menghindari emas untuk lelaki).
  3. Baju dalam dan perawaran tubuh Baju dalam aku sudah beli lama, belinya pun sama Damar hahah Aku beli waktu ada diskonan winter di city centre. Ngehemat banyaaak banget. Barang-barang perawatan tubuh baru beli tadi sama Damar juga, beli di de Tuinen. Dan kebetulan juga lagi ada 25% diskon. Gemes banget jalan-jalan di de Tuinen, pengen beli semua barang organic disitu. Jadi perawatan tubuh yang aku beli itu meliputi day-night cream, eye cream, dan facial wash, plus body butter dan body shop. Asikk akhirnya nyoret bagian ini juga!
  4. Perhiasan: Ini Mama Damar yang akan belikan nanti di Indonesia, karena orang tua pasti ingin memberi dan kami ingin mama kami involve ke hal ini
  5. Baju atau kain dan songket: Ini juga mama Damar yang pilihkan
  6. Makanan: Ini aku percayakan penuh ke mama Damar
  7. Buah-buahan: Ini juga mama Damar yang urus

Kalau untuk Damar, seserahannya kurang lebih sama intinya. Tapi baju, aku belikan dia suits yang nanti akan dipakai di resepsi (lumayan jadi dobel guna hihihi dan juga bisa dipakai di masa depan), juga mukena diganti dengan baju takwa, sarung, dan kopiah.

Simpel kan yaaa? Alhamdulillah Damar juga orangnya simpel banget ga ribet. Aku pun males beli barang yang mahal dan branded supaya kotak seserahannya terlihat bagus. Sederhana aja asal bermakna…………….. 🙂 🙂

 

p.s Source foto dari weddingku.com

Love life Wedding Series

Wedding Series part 1 – Plan, moodboard, and compromise

6th March 2016 - 13 min read

Can’t believe it’s already March!

To the 5th will be my posts about the journey of the wedding of Damar and I, which will be held on May (the 5th month of the year).

It has been quite hectic with new work adjustments, business plans, and everything else that comes around it, oh yea of course with the wedding madness (*happy*). I am juggling with different things at once, but  it is something that I enjoy doing, so that makes me happy to make the efforts.

Speaking about wedding preparation, it is now in 75% of the progress, I would say. The biggest part is done, venue has been booked, the catering has been reserved, make up is done, band agrees on the songs we requested, invitation has been self-personally-designed and negotiated with the the printing, decoration has been down payment-ed, and ‘save the date’ has been sent out to my friends in the Netherlands. Those are the big things, but there are sooooo many little details that are still needed to be sorted out, soon!

There are many articles discussed about ‘bridezilla’ phenomenon where the bride is difficult to handle and giving everyone as well as herself a hard time. I think I am not one of them at all. I am pretty cool and I go with the flow of the process, but at the same time making some clear plans on where the direction of my wedding I want to take. The difficulty that I had was in the beginning when I found out that my dream wedding (outdoor, nature, max 200 people, intimate, friends and family) is not happening. My mother immediately said ‘NO’ when I told her about having outdoor wedding. For her it is too much stress to think whether it will be raining or not, it is based on her experience with my sister’s wedding. Okay, cool I understand, but she had to compromise in giving me a little freedom to decide about the decoration because I somehow still want to have outdoor sensation. And about intimacy, it will sure not happen because according to the culture, giving invitation is always better than making them feel sad by not giving at all. And if we do not want to invite, better not to invite all. So it is either invite all or not at all. That’s basically the theory. Usually the Western does have RSVP system, but Indonesian does not. The polite way to respond the invitation is by attending. In there, I compromised. My big sisters already warned me to just surrender and not sweating for little things, as this is a way to make my parents happy, the last offering/gift before I am taken by another man.

Intermezzo: I could totally relate with this hipwee article about Wedding In Indonesia haha just for amusement 😉

With this wedding preparation experience, I am learning to understand my mother better. She is the one who is busy and executing most of the things *prize and appreciation for my mother*. Now I know how to deal and talk things out with my mother, in which I honestly avoided in the beginning. Silver lining is, I have a better communication with my mother 🙂 Compromise and flexibility are very important in Indonesian wedding, because it is “the event of the parents“, there are certain things I can prefer, but those things need to be discussed and compromised. Note to self: There is always a solution to every problems. And I learn to take times if something gets me crazy, I would just be with myself, think, return to the case (most of the times to my mother) to discuss bit by bit and look for the solution. Because being angry does not solve any problem. 

Okay, back to the wedding planning.
My dad is working in the University and the University has its convention hall that is usually used for graduation ceremony and wedding. Certainly we get a good deal, good price with good benefits. The choice was only in one weekend (because a week before, we just arrived, and a week after we have to go back to Netherlands), so we had to choose whether will be Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Saturday night was ideal but unfortunately it was booked by someone else. And I still prefer at night because we could get the romantic sensation from lights and candles. So Sunday night, May 22nd it is. The first most priority has been booked.

Here are a bit of tips after the venue is booked, and this will especially be applicable for someone who prepares the wedding long distance like me:

  • Hire a Wedding Organizer – I know I need a middle party to be in between me and my mom in some points. WO is considered as legit and experienced organizer, so my mother could take what they say in to the consideration easily. What I did was sending my moodboard to them and there I talk about the theme. I always touch base and refer to the moodboard I have created.
  • Create a moodboard – Moodboard is type of collage consisting of images, text, and samples of objects in a composition. And in this case, it’s the images about how I picture my wedding dream. I have been pinning and collecting pictures of wedding in my pinterest, etsy, my phone, and pc, so for me it was just a matter of selecting which ones I really like which is also good because it narrows down the many choices I have. If I keep pinning, it will not make it any easier to make a decision. The main purpose of the moodboard is to understand the big picture and the direction of the wedding to ease the decision making. But for me the more important purpose is to show to our Wedding Organizer what I want because I want her to present it in front of my mother. They are the ones who are there and able to execute.

I split my moodboard to 4 different categories according to the rituals: Lamaran (yang akhirnya nggak jadi), Pengajian, Akad nikah, Resepsi. And the subcategory will be about the attire (Bride-Groom, family and friends), Make up, Details of decoration, Bouquet, Souvenir, etc. It is extremely helpful! I can always come back to my moodboard to find a guide and remind me what I really want. Paradox of choices out there do nothing than making the deciding process harder haha. So I am blessed that I only have 3,5 months to prepare everything. It makes me move like light speed in preparing 🙂 🙂 and easy to prioritize..

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  • Make a shared wedding folder and check list – Either having it in phone or in journal. I also have a check list in google drive that I share with Damar. Communication is very important! I want Damar to be involved in everything and he pleasantly always does his part very well 🙂 🙂 For the checklist, I can always relate back to the moodboard. The check list is mostly about what Damar and I or I should do. My mother has her own checklist, and my task is to discuss, trust her, and remind her once in a while. Every day the bullets on my check list are scratched but also added, because by doing this you will see what things you have forgotten as well.
  • Once making a decision, stop looking!! – I know that everyday there is always something new on social media, pinterest, etc. But once making a decision, just stop search for it, it will just shaken what I have decided and make everyone who is helping confused with what I want. Grass is always greener on the other side. It’s never enough, that’s just how human being thinks, it is something I surely need to manage haha
  • Anything is possible, just relax and find a way- Like when Damar’s mother all of the sudden used her veto to have traditional wedding to be able to have ‘temu manten or panggih‘ ritual. Temu manten is handover of the groom to the bride’s family. I did not see this happening at all, because all we wanted was just simple wedding and traditional is far from simple. I was upset and stressed out, and plus I did not want to make my mother even busier with all the plans we have had. I tried to make everybody happy. But my fear was not proved because my mother was really easy, she said let’s do it. And at the end I am very grateful to be able to have this traditional wedding for our ceremony, because that is our javanese root and this is something we will always remember. This traditional wedding has been faded slowly, who know in the future it will be even lessen and lessen. So at least I have memory to show my kids and tell them how fun traditional wedding is. And it is even better, because our family’s joglo house can be used in this event. It will be much more meaningful, because it has a family history behind it. Another example is when my parents ask us to have our photographs urgently for wedding registration in the town hall. We were confused in the beginning how to get the pictures very fast. It will take sometimes until the pictures arrive in my father’s hand. So, we use one’s loaf and optimized the technology! We took our pictures with iphone and edited in lightroom. These are the results, not so bad (mind the face, please!)

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  • Manage your expectation from now on – At the end, we can always plan and do our best but because I am preparing the whole things in distance, I need to delegate a lot of things. I just need to trust and manage my expectation realizing that I do not have that much controls in my hand because I am not present. Instead, I need to be grateful because my friends and family have been really nice to me by willing to help etc.We cannot control of what will happen, but we can control how we will react about it…
  • Keep calm and move on – Sometimes it is stressful with different opinions, difficulty of communication etc, but just keep calm and enjoy the journey of once in a lifetime experience. The main purpose of the wedding is to reunite our love, the rests are bonus!!

I can’t even be more grateful that the path has been very smooth to our wedding day so far. Thank you everyone, especially Damar and my mother.. I am embracing this journey fully.

xxx

Love life Wedding Series

Save the date !

2nd March 2016 - 3 min read

 

Here is our save the date

The video was taken in Iceland when we had our first trip ever. Before we met, we both dreamt to watch aurora. (Weird right?)  Yes we got the chance to witness this spectacular earth show together.
The different in our backgrounds when we are walking depict how we separately had been through so much. Little did we know, we were prepared to meet each other at one point. When we were both ready… It does not need to take that long until we are sure and want to start our life together. And that video is the beginning to get us there…

Hampir semua teman-teman saya terkaget-kaget dengan keputusan saya untuk menikah. Kata mereka, cepat sekali? kenapa buru-buru? dan berbagai macam pertanyaan lainnya. Dulu saya sempat berpikir untuk menikah umur 27-29 karena saya masih ingin keliling dunia tanpa beban, berputar-putar membuat kesalahan tanpa perlu membagi resiko, yang mungkin terjadi, kepada orang lain. Tetapi saat saya bertemu Damar beberapa bulan lalu, pikiran itu berubah seketika. Tidak ada yang saya inginkan selain hidup bersama, memulai keluarga dan berjuang mengejar mimpi bersama, keliling dunia bersama dan membuat kesalahan bersama 🙂

I do not think it’s fast if I have slowed down to choose the right one the entire 24 years time of my life. It’s not in a rush if I have rode the bumpy road to get me where I always want to go.

I want to go home.. I want to go to who/where is worth going home to.

I want to go anywhere, everywhere possible while feeling like home all the time. Because home is just alongside, in distance of an easy reach.

I always believe He has given me pen-paper and guided me to draw the most beautiful story in life. I believe that it’s both faith and hardship that could get me here.

Yes, I’ve recently found my home. The most weird and ,at the same time, beautiful story I could ever think of.

I am a lucky woman to get a man of my dream, but luck will not be there if I did not give it a chance by understanding and listening to my very self. Luck will not be there if I was not ready to see the opportunity and luck will surely not be there if I did not have belief.

Please share our happiness and joy 🙂

Dreams Europe Iceland Love life Milestone Wedding Series

And under the Aurora he bended knee

12th February 2016 - 4 min read

It was the second day of our trip when Damar set up his tripod and camera outside to create a timelapse.  I was waiting and falling asleep on the couch while he was busy with his camera, so did his siblings.

1 hour later, he got hysterical when he discovered his camera caught the aurora passing by the sky. He knew that in midnight it would appear again. He got me all excited in my exhaustion and sleepiness. It was 23.00 pm.

I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, cleaned up and changed to pajamas, got ready to sleep. Couple of minutes after, Damar was coming and half screaming saying that the Aurora appeared again and asked me to change and get ready to go out. I was super lazy, but then I remembered why I came to Iceland, this might be the only chance. So I quickly wore my socks and winter gears. We tried to wake Damar’s siblings but they did not move, so we took the car and went out to the quite field, just 5 mins from our stay.

The aurora was there, not that strong but I could see a little bit of the lights. I knew it was not a normal cloud or sky. It was the spectacular show of the earth, it was THE aurora. While Damar was busy setting up his tripod and camera, I was busy admiring the sky. He set the timer and came to me, we took picture together facing the aurora. What a dream comes true!!

He went to the camera and set the timer again while I was still busy facing the sky. He came next to me…. and all of the sudden, there he was bending on his knee…………………… I looked at his face, he was looking at me with his usual loving sight, haltingly making his promise to me through his beautiful speech. I could not say anything, but cried.

Did not see that coming..

And the questions came, he asked ‘will you marry me?’. I said firmly ‘YES’.

And yes, we are engaged. We are getting married. This year.

I am very grateful that I am going to marry a man of my dream. Someone who never is selfish, care about my opinion, and ultimately about my dreams. He apparently planned this for quite a while. The ring he chose was also something that I always wanted, 3 stones vintage art deco ring from 30-40s. I am one lucky woman 🙂

The happiness is beyond measure. Alhamdulillah…

It’s the start of our journey. I cannot wait to start the life with him.

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